alrighty.

so things have only been getting better for me.

i'm finding it surprisingly easy to let things go. and it fucking rocks to be honest.

ok.

so instead of getting much needed rest, i've been sitting here thinking about a conversation i just had with alex.

i'm growing up.

and it hit me pretty spot on tonight.

it's the first day of july. which just means i'm moving out next month. i havent necessarily noticed a huge change in myself to be like wow i'm growing up. but i mean obviously i've matured and what not.

but it hit me that i'm trying to find who i am. i'm trying to have as much fun as possible and break boundaries cuz i dont want to be that high school kid that everyone thinks they know. and i was thinking I havent changed that much. i'm still nichole. whats changing is where i am in life.

its so different now to realize it, but the pressures of high school are off. i used to think i really didnt give a fuck about what people thought about me. now i truly know how that feels.

i'm not looking to be anything but absolutely real and straight up. and if youre too busy stuck in drama land or dinosaur land or la la land, keep it moving.

i've realized i've spent way too much time focusing on the people that wont always be there and trying to postpone the inevitable. it's time to let it all go and start anew with college, new people, old friends, new experiences and adulthood. i have the ones that i know will stick by my side.

and for now thats all i need.

blood on my hands.

you felt the coldness in my eyes and something i'm not revealing.
though you got used to my disguise, you cant shake this awful feeling.
its the me that i let you know cuz i'll never show. i have my reasons.
i hate to say that i told you so, but it told you so.

straight from your eyes its barely me beautifully so disfigured this other side that you cant see,
just praying you wont remember.
feel the pain that i never show. and i hope you know it's never healing.
i hate to say that i told you so, but i told you so.

there's blood on my hands like the blood in you.
some things cant be treated so dont make me be myself around you.